Have you Suffered from anxiety or depression? or Have you ever suffered from both?
I did … I was everyday … and I can tell you it’s not nice. I was diagnosed with anxiety a long time ago. Then I was medically diagnosed with depression just before I reached 32. I started on medication straight away. Although I was only diagnosed last year, I have been suffering from this for many many years. Going to my doctor when I was 17 just after I had my son and was told the way I was feeling was normal.
I knew what and how I was feeling was not normal. Had felt like this before I got pregnant, So I knew I was only getting worse. Months after having my son I felt trapped, scared and felt I couldn’t cope. No one was willing to listen I was 17 and just had a baby. I could feel myself losing control… Crying my self to sleep most nights. Just wanting to prove I was capable of looking after my own son. During the day I was the fun-loving mother, Played with my son, smiled and hid the pain and hurt. When I went to bed I cried till I fell asleep. At times I had some awful thoughts but I knew my son was my life and nothing could change that. Over time I learned to cope with my feelings. I knew I had to take each day as it came.
The problem was I was not dealing with my depression I was learning to bury it!
Over time it got a lot easier to smile and fake being happy. As long as the people in my life at the time we happy that’s all that mattered. Constantly living in fear that something would happen to someone I loved. I became more and more scared of losing my son. When my son was 10months old I got a job. Every shift… 5-6 times in 7 hours, I would ring my mum to see if my son was OK. I would also text her just to check make sure.
As time went on I worked a lot more, But my anxiety only got worse. I changed jobs into care and support and still, I would contact my mum so I knew everyone OK. As yrs went by I learned to deal with my anxiety in my own way but my moods were something else. One day I would be fine next day I would be really low snapping at people.
In 2012 I met my now fiancé OMG For the first few months I had never felt happier!
Then them awful feelings came back. So I start covering up how I felt again… it was easier this time having yrs of practice. My fiancé moved in with me in Jan 2014 and I still showed the happy me. We moved to Liverpool (his side of the water) in June 2014. At first, it was great but less than a month in I felt my self-breaking away piece by piece. Whether it was moving away from my family or the fact I felt so alone, or a mixture of both, but either way I felt at breaking point. I was constantly snapping at people especially my son and fiance. Then I found my self-apologising all day for things I couldn’t control. Also, I would spend my days of work in bed as I never wanted to get up.
In the February I went the doctors and asked for help, I know it wasn’t the first time but this time I was leaving without any solution. Straight away my new doctor put me on medication. she knew I was struggling, she also told me I should have received help from my old doctor a long time ago. I suffered for so long on my own because I felt ashamed and I didn’t want to push my doctors to help me. Maybe If they had then I wouldn’t have been in the mess I was. Also maybe some of the blame lies with the doctors. If they had not refused to treat me and to help me when I asked for it I could be better.
If I could relive my life I wouldn’t change a thing!
Suffering from depression has opened my eyes to how many people actually do suffer with it. Also to how many people suffer in silence. My partner does not and will probably never understand what its like for someone who suffers depression. Why? because I don’t think depression is something you can understand unless you are living with it. All he thinks and see’s is me being moody, OCD and having panic attacks. Depression is a mental health disease, That person will never understand unless they suffer from it. Please don’t suffer in silence I am happy to chat with anyone who is suffering. not matter what stage they at with it.
DON’T SUFFER IN SILENCE!
I wanted to share this with you to show that you're not alone and things can really get better. Working on myself has been a massive part of my healing Just know you’re not alone in this!